July 13, 2009

Greetings from the sartorial economist,

Someone once said: "If you laid all the economists in the world end to end they still wouldn't reach a conclusion."  I don't know if this is fair but I sense a bit of truth in it.  In spite of that I am going to risk ridicule (what I do best) and join the ranks of financial prognostication to make a firm prediction:  the economy is about to turn around. 

There is a long held theory that when women's dress hemlines go down so does the economy and vice versa.  (There is a an opposite theory but it does not support today's theme and neither has any real credence so just relax.)  Because of the unprecedented convulsions in our economy recently, not even this standard of financial forecasting is wholly reliable.  So we must look a little differently at fashion in order to predict economic trends. 

Once a year my wife buys me a copy of GQ magazine.  I don't know why; mostly it appears to be advertisements featuring men with thick hair, pouty lips and enormous watches getting on yachts or off private jets.  The only thing I have in common with the men in GQ is that someone else is telling them what to wear.

But, it was in this year's edition that I noticed hemlines were going up.  On men's pants.

One designer after another featured men in suits whose pants looked as though they had been run through the dryer for a few cycles too long.  Male models were shown striding purposefully down Manhattan streets with brightly colored socks in full view where the pant cuff terminated six inches or so above the wing tips.  Eureka!  This can only mean one thing!  No wait, TWO things.

Of course it's obvious to any economic expert that the rise in pant lengths in GQ indicate the economy is about to turn around.  But more importantly, I can wear my favorite khaki pants!

Every six months or so I put on these khaki pants to wear to church.  I have a fondness for these pants because they represent real value; meaning they were really cheap and I've had them a long time.  I've had them a long time because my wife won't let me wear them.  She says they are too short.

She is subtle about it: "Nice pants; where's the rest of them?  Expecting a flood, Steve Erkle?" 

It is with this gentle guidance that I stomp shamefaced back to the closet for slacks of a more generous length, muttering economic truisms under my breath.

Now I have GQ to back me up.  "Look what at all these well dressed men in New York are wearing." I say, brandishing the glossy talocrural-baring pages. "Their pants are even shorter than mine!" 

"Fine," she says, "next time you're in New York you can wear your flood pants.  If you're going to church with us you need to cover your ankles as a sign of modesty."

Of course this conversation is only played out in my head while I am standing in front of the mirror while wearing my value-khakis, as I work up the courage to charge into the kitchen for another attempt.

You likely pay rapt attention to the Spring fashion shows, and no doubt follow the inspired genius of designers like Junya Watanabe, who this season introduced the Short Suit.  This iteration of fashion was a man's suit with what looks like some sort of a 'clam digger' man-capri pants which barely reached the knees.  I have no doubt that by the fall season men's pants will be shorter than men's shorts, which continue to get longer and longer.  (I have no idea of the economic ramifications of board shorts reaching the ankle.)

This will not help me at all since I will likely never get to wear my khaki pants in public.

But the trend is clearly there: men's hemlines continue to go up, and so watch for the Wall Street rally. 

Before I go too far down this road, understand that my couture of choice includes a pair of tattered cargo shorts and whatever marathon t-shirt is on top of the pile in my drawer.  When I dress for success it means putting on my lucky hat to go running. 

So the good news is that happy days are here again.  The bad news is that men like me will probably have to stay home until the economy turns bad enough again to wear pants long enough to reach their shoes.  Economics can be very complicated. 

If you are as confused as I am on this subject don't feel bad.  A good rule of thumb is this: don't buy pants that are uncomfortable or that irritate your spouse.  Even if the economy doesn't turn around, you still have a pretty good shot at being happy.

Next week I will show you how sideburn length can predict the weather.

Hope this finds you successfully clothed,         

David

Copyright (c) 2009 David Smith