March 21, 2011

Greetings from a dim bulb,

There will eventually be many reasons to say this, but here is one more; mine will be the last generation. 

Recently a group of paleontologists from the prestigious University of St. Specious (I’ve got them in my brackets for the final 8) discovered some very revealing cave drawings dating back to the Paleolithic period.  The drawings depict early an early family, led by a strong father figure who is saying: “Who left the light on in the kitchen?!”

Thomas Edison invented his version of the light bulb in 1879, but did not invent the switch to turn it off, undoubtedly understanding the futility.  There had been other versions  of the light bulb invented as early as 70 years previous, but they tended to burst into flames and give off noxious fumes shortly after they were turned on.  I’m thinking that this design should be brought back since it would eliminate the need for pleading with children to turn off the lights in an empty room.

I predict that my generation will be the last one to try to bring darkness to empty rooms. My children tend to respond in different ways to this directive, depending on their philosophy at the moment.  Some examples:

Me: “Why don’t you turn off the lights when you leave a room?”

The Optimist: “I was hoping to come right back.”

The Metaphysical Solipsist: “When I left the room the light no longer existed.”                

The New Age Philosopher:  “I knew it would go out eventually.  Sometimes you just have to let things happen.”

The Fatalist: “What’s the point?  If we are destined to be in the dark, it will happen.”

I took a quick tour of my house this morning and counted; there are 117 light bulbs screwed in right now, plus the one in the fridge, which is the only one that ever gets turned off regularly.  Two of these bulbs are red, dedicated to lighting a bearded dragon 24 hours a day.  By the way, I’ve done a great deal of research on bearded dragon culture, and nowhere was there any indication that reptiles ever turn off lights. 

The odds are very good that with 117 bulbs, I am not going to be able to keep up.  I can read the writing on the wall.  Because all of the lights are on.  Except for the ones that are burned out.

I feel like I am always changing light bulbs, but they are changing faster than I can change them.  It’s a Moebius strip of maintenance/technological advancement.   I can tell you that no matter what kind of bulb burns out next, we will not have the correct replacement in the house.

Like everyone else, we have been victims of the progress in the lighting world.  As each new bulb becomes more efficient and capable of more lumens (not a lizard; I looked it up) and less heat and a broader spectrum of color, we feel compelled to keep up.  No one wants to be in the dark when it comes to bulb innovation.

At one point we installed floodlights in our recessed lighting fixtures.  Later, approximately 11 minutes later, a new style of floodlight with a more elegant appearance was invented.  We began retrofitting immediately, which simply led to the invention of more efficient, more elegant lights.  When I went to the store to buy one of these latest bulbs, there was actually an engineer standing at the display waiting for me to buy it so he could signal his lab to invent a better bulb.

The traditional incandescent light bulb is not sexy, but it has served us well for over 130 years.  We have several iterations of this bulb in our home, in a variety of wattage and shape and size, from the decorative candle bulb to the functional spotlight.  We also have halogen bulbs, a full-spectrum bulb to replicate sunlight, fluorescent tubes, and a high pressure sodium light that burned out approximately 15 years ago, which I haven’t replaced because it looks like it belongs over a parking lot, not my patio.

We went through the compact fluorescent stage, the corkscrew lightbulbs that were supposed to last for 50,000 hours, which at my house is one week. (Don’t do the math.)  But it turns out that is that CFL’s are the wrong ‘color’ of light and they look funny in our style of lamps, so they are being replaced.

The most recent lighting innovation is the LED light, which might stand for ‘Light Emitting Diode’ or ‘Latest Expensive Development’.   I’m stocking up on candles.

There could come an age when the light bulb will become a quaint memory of a time gone by and our rooms will be lit by paint that glows in the dark or xenon laser beams shooting out of our iPods.  No matter how we illuminate our lives, I’m certain that once I’m gone the only way the lights will be turned off will be if someone invents a Ouija switch.

Hope this finds you going toward the light,

David

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Copyright © 2011 David Smith