September 14, 2009
Greetings from the fo'c'sle,
No matter where you are in your day when you read this, after a weak denial and perhaps a mild eye roll for effect, you will have to admit one thing: You want to be a pirate.
Everyone does. Maybe you can't pull it off right now, but if someone handed you a cutlass and an eye patch, you'd swagger up to the copy machine and push aside whoever is making a copy of 'Dilbert' in front of you and say 'Avast, ye, I be collating here!'
Growing up, I wanted to be a pirate, but it was a hard fantasy to pull off living in an inner city neighborhood. Plus I KNOW my mom would have made me wear a life jacket and no one fears Bluebeard with an orange vest around his neck. I especially liked the idea of the eye patch.
If not for some depth perception issues which would complicate my already challenged coordination, I would wear one all the time. Under my glasses.
Just to be clear, while pirating has been traditionally a male domain, women are now gladly welcomed, without any legally provable discrimination, into the purview of pirates. Yes, girls can be swashbucklers too. They just wear the buckle on the side.
Pirates are romantic, rakish characters, at least the ones we have access to on the silver screen. From Errol Flynn to Johnny Depp, actors have brought us a taste of what the pirate's life might be, and other than no reliable health care package, it looks good on film.
But off the coast of Somalia, there are a bunch of criminals who are giving pirates a bad name. These are the homeboys of the high seas, muggers in dinghies. Whether you believe these men are Robin Hood or just hoods is not for today's discussion. I am not encouraging the kind of pirating where people making minimum wage are held for millions of dollars in ironic ransom. And I want to go on legal record as saying I also don't approve of cable pirates, music pirates or video pirates.
Which brings me to the entire pirate purpose. This Saturday, September 19, is the official 'Talk Like a Pirate Day', when we celebrate true pirateness. It is not officially recognized by the U.S. Government, or, more importantly, Hallmark, but that wouldn't stop a real pirate. It's important to understand the motivation behind the 'Talk Like a Pirate Day', which is best expressed by "Why not?"
You might be a little self-conscious talking like a pirate all day, but if everyone is doing it you'll eventually get comfortable. Sort of like the first time you tried bumping knuckles with someone or using the word 'ebullient' in a sentence.
To make it a little easier on you, I have compiled a Pirate Glossary. It is not complete but it will get you by unless you are actually aboard the Bounty.
Pirate Glossary
ARRRR. This is the main method of communicating between pirates. It's important to pronounce it correctly. It's not 'Arrgh'; that's what Charlie Brown says.
Avast. It's sort of an attention getting remark. Also can be defined as the opposite of 'vast'.
Ahoy. This is a seafarer's way of saying 'hello'. Do not pronounce it 'ahoooey'. That's strictly for Thurston Howell III types.
Davey Jones Locker. It is a reference to dying at sea and being left at the bottom therein. This is also where the Monkee's lead singer keeps his tambourine.
Buccaneer. Any pirate personage worth his swashbuckle. And part of a punch line to a joke I can't tell.
Grog. Any alcoholic drink. Also a character from B.C. Also rhymes with 'blog' in case you're writing internet poetry.
Jolly Roger. Skull and crossbones, the official flag of pirates. Also a cheerful advertising guy I know.
Keel haul. This was originally what the U Haul people were going to name their company but found out it means 'to be tortured by being dragged under a boat'. Which is sort of like the customer service desk at U Haul.
Poop deck. It's tempting, but let's just say it's the back part of the ship.
Swab. This usually refers to cleaning the deck of the ship. Swabbing is also how they check you for scurvy.
Shiver me timbers. This is an expression of surprise, an oblique way of saying 'Well blow me down!' If you've never had your timbers shivered, you don't know what you're missing.
Walk the plank. This is how pirates often send you to Davy Jones locker; by making you walk off the ship when it is least convenient. Ask GM's Rick Wagoner about this.
Yo ho ho. Yes, this is what Santa says when he's in Philly. But it's also what pirates fit into many of their sea shanties. Sort of a filler-refrain like 'Baby, baby, baby'.
Once you start talking like a pirate, everyone will notice you. While you have their attention, you can share these classics:
What's a pirate's favorite socks? Arrrrgyle. What's a pirate's favorite food? Arrrrtichokes.
What's a pirate's favorite fast food? Well, it used to be Long John Silver's, but now it's 'Arrrrby's'. What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie? Ships ahoy. You get the idea.
You don't need a peg leg to pull this off, just a jaunty attitude and willingness to arrrrticulate the buccaneer perspective. Just let your inner pirate out. Arrrr!
Hope this finds you landlubbing,
David
Copyright (c) 2009 David Smith