Oil and Water

May 24, 2010

Greetings from the quagmire,

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, focusing my considerable IQ on this one issue, devoting massive cognitive energy, marshaling my significant experience, intuition, problem solving skills and wisdom formed from countless fortune cookies.

It’s like this: say you had a swimming pool, a really big one, like 615,000 square miles, with the fancy slide and diving board. Let’s say that your friend asks to bring over his inflatable air mattress with the built in Weber grille, and promises not to get any coal in the water. You say ok, because you think clean coal technology is possible, and then…

Ok, I’m not really sharp on analogies this morning. None of us could have a pool that big because of the zoning problems. Curse Big Brother and his building codes.

I’m working on a solution for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I know, normally these kinds of things don’t register with me since it is not happening directly to me at this exact moment, but in spite of my narrow minded, xenophobic, self centered, capitalistic tendencies, I’m still a giver.

Ever since the tragic explosion in the Gulf of Mexico, and the steady oil spill since then, BP has been scrambling to do two things:

1. Form a legal defense for blaming someone else. Possibly whoever invented the Weber air mattress-grill combination.

2. Stop the oil spill.

I was thinking that the company would be pretty well prepared for both problems since they already have that ‘oil and water don’t mix’ experience. While the legal maneuvering seems to be well underway, solving the pesky second problem seems to have BP scratching its collective head. A number of ideas have been floated, including the giant ‘sippy- straw’ solution which is being applied right now, in spite of its poorly conceived name.

My favorite BP theory is the ‘Junk Shot’ solution. Imagine a serious corporate representative standing in front of a group of serious journalists and Fox reporters, and suggesting this: “Our plan involves shooting a giant wad of golf balls, car tires and human hair into the pipeline to plug the leak.”

I would expect there would be a moment of silence as everyone mourned the loss of credibility, just before the tsunami of derisive laughter was released.

Well, if we’re going to propose preposterous solutions, I might as well join in. Even though my engineering experience has been mainly associated with Lionel products, I think I’m more than qualified to proffer idiotic ideas. Here’s just a sample:

1. Get the Newman’s Own people to develop a Saltwater and Oil Salad Dressing. A portion of the profits would go to help deport illegal pelicans who wash ashore in Texas.

2. Pour enormous bottles of ‘Dawn’ dishwashing detergent into the Gulf. I have a coupon I would be willing to donate. No, wait, it’s expired. Change that to ‘Pour an enormous bottle of Tropicana Orange Juice made from concentrate.’ Limit one.

3. Set the whole thing on fire. This is possibly dangerous, bad for the environment and may not work, which means it fits all of the BP prerequisites. At the minimum this would improve tourism in the area as 100% of Americans would pay to see a fire that big. I’m basing this on an extensive poll I took in line at the grocery store.

4. Let pirates steal the oil. They’re resourceful and greedy and oil is still over $70.00 bbl. (Bbl is the abbreviation for bubble. Please don’t ask me why.)

5. Alert the Legion of Super Heroes. Finally, Aquaman will actually carry his weight.

6. And from the ‘Why Didn’t We Think of This Before’ file: Ask Kevin Costner if he has any ideas.

The oil spill is an environmental tragedy. (Strange, but no one ever points out any environmental comedies.) I am just glad that I have been able to contribute in a small, but meaningful way to the solution. Now, where are my notes on global warming?

Hope this finds you getting grease out of your way,

David

You can follow me on Twitter (@braverunner) and find me on Facebook