Monday Moanin’
By David Smith
August 21, 2006
Greetings from my gravitational influence,
Based on comprehensive research, speculation, and most importantly, a large dose of my imagination, I find that many people turn to this weekly essay for inspiration, information and as a distraction from the more aggravating issues of the day. I take this responsibility seriously, and every Monday morning I make every effort to provide a string of words. When possible, with questionable punctuation. Today will be no exception.
Recently the International Astronomical Union announced that the approval of a new definition of what makes a planet. This new development will allow certain objects in space, formerly anonymous rocks, to be named officially as ‘planets’.
First, I’m not sure why the International Astronomical Union gets to name planets. I don’t remember being consulted about this, or voting on it, or even having the policy forced upon me by elected politicians.
It seems like if we are going to name planets, which clearly is our right as people at the center of the universe, it would be more appropriate to appoint a major advertising agency, a world leader or Oprah Winfrey. But somehow it has been left to astronomers, who don’t even get my daily horoscope right.
Regardless, it’s important that the common people weigh in on this topic. We cannot afford to have a repeat of the unfortunate planet naming that we have suffered through in generations past, leaving us the unofficial laughingstock of the galaxy. I’m making some astronomical assumptions here.
We have planets named after moderately priced sedans, candy bars, a cartoon dog from Disney, a division of Ford, and a world class tennis player. Jupiter and Neptune I think were named after the kids that Angelina Jolie adopted. No one really knows who named ‘Earth’, and we cannot even discuss how the planet Uranus came to be labeled.
The whole point here is that we cannot leave this important job to astronomers. Right now there is a planet waiting to be named, which so far has the spicy moniker ‘Object 2003 UB313’. I can’t wait for the poetry this will inspire. Which leads me to the solution that I am sure is already obvious to every sensible reader of this weekly wisdom. Elvis Aaron Presley.
Elvis Presley, officially named by the International Musicians Union as the “King of Rock and Roll”, unofficially passed away 29 years ago on August 16. There are still a few fans that are holding out for one last tour, but I think it’s safe to say that he’s had his last encore. What better tribute to Tupelo’s favorite son than to honor his memory by naming a lifeless rock in space after him? And at the same time, we can give the International Astronomical Union an example of what ‘cool’ is about.
We cannot risk adding yet another “Uranus” to our solar system for our children to gaze up at for inspiration. We have to act now. Call your official union representative of the International Astronomical Union and let them know you want the next planet to be named after the greatest star ever to wear enormous sideburns: Elvis Presley.
In a rare moment of synergistic clarity I have taken two monumentally insignificant current events, and combined them for what might unofficially be the most implausible, ridiculous idea ever printed. Of course, you realize that’s what makes it so likely to succeed. I’m so impressed with myself I may go into politics. Or astronomy.
Hope this finds you spinning on your axis,
David
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